Maybe My Silence Isn't Golden...It's Questioned.

The adventures of the square peg continue!

This past weekend I went to Washington, DC to march in the Women's March. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had. It was one million men and women, locked armed, for an amazing myriad of causes. What started as a movement about women, eventually gained momentum and permission for all groups that felt marginalized. Groups that felt swept away, and groups of people that feel fearful of the new administration. It's lack of inclusion, and it's HARSH dialogue against the LGBT community,  toward WOMEN, toward immigration, Muslims, people with disabilities, the environment, the global economy...I could keep going.

Everyone there had their own personal reason for going... PERSONAL reason.

I forget that I live in a small town where all of my decisions will be questioned. All of my statements will be judged in one way or another.

I've always heard that Silence is Golden, not for me it isn't. My silence leads other people to jump to really ridiculous conclusions.

So here goes!

Disclaimer: To My Close Friends and Family, the people who truly love me, I am sorry if you are learning this for the first time. It's been almost 12 years, and I am GOOD now. I made my peace in MY OWN way. Prior to today very few knew of my story because it's MY STORY. Again, I'm Sorry.

When I was in my early 20s, I was raped. I was raped by someone I knew, someone I trusted, and deep down someone I loved. I wasn't wearing skimpy clothes. I was in sweatpants and a tank top. It was raining. I never dreamed this person would hurt me, but he did. He left me tied, gagged, and bleeding for strangers to find me. STRANGERS!

I was shaking, humiliated, and barely able to drive, but I had to get out of there. Blacking out periodically I got back to my apartment. I wasn't about to go to the hospital. I wasn't about to relive that with 50 people I went to high school with. The hell with that!

I had to tell someone. I could barely stand up. I called one of my girl friend's mother. She was an ER nurse in STL. She didn't know me well. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and leave it on the floor, never to be thought of again. My first real friend in St Louis, crying harder than I was, helped clean me up. Her mom finally got there and looked at me. "You cant be stitched honey. The tears are like shreds there would be nothing to stitch you to." She begged me to go to the hospital but I refused. I REFUSED to relive this NIGHTMARE even one more time. I wasn't concerned about birth control. It was clearly an object as well as a person who left me this way. An object...So in a moment, my life was CHANGED because someone thought no more of me than to sodomize me with an object.

These Monsters exist. These Monsters walk around disguised as normal individuals. It's what lies beneath that will terrify you. What lies beneath, will leave you changed.

You can let it destroy you, or you can RISE. You can RISE above the stigma, you can RISE above the explanation that "you asked for it". You can RISE.

You can be a resource for other women suffering in silence. Which is exactly what I did.

I REFUSED to let one instance DEFINE me, or DESTROY me. I COULD CONTROL THAT!

When I first learned of the Women's March, I started doing some digging. What I found were THOUSANDS of women just like me. THOUSANDS!!! THOUSANDS OF WOMEN SHARE MY STORY.

You might be surprised to know how many of your friends, your neighbors, other Mom's at school or work that probably have a secret just like mine.

THAT is why I marched on Saturday. I marched on Saturday for MYSELF. I marched on Saturday for the women just like me. To FREE MY OWN SILENCE. I don't want sexual assault to be a normalized occurrence. Its not LOCKER ROOM TALK, not to me. Its happening to our friends, our sisters, our daughters.

Do you know how many women were marching for their DAUGHTERS? I do.

Stop JUDGING!!

This isn't about ABORTION. Stop taking what little you know about it, and twisting it into something it wasn't!

If you were there, I truly believe you would understand.

This is #whyImarched #womensmarch.  

I wont leave you behind. I wont act like what happened to you didn't matter. It mattered to me. It will continue to matter to me.

I hope some of you find this enlightening. I hope some of you can stop calling into question my moral fiber. I am not less Catholic because I stood in solidarity with the women of the world. It didn't change my views of faith. It didn't change my love for God. It might have changed my feelings for some of you. Those of you who attacked me. Those of you who wrote hateful, vile messages on my page. Those of you who detested why I stood in solidarity without knowing the whole truth...without knowing MY whole truth. The only thing that all of this has shown me is how truly NASTY (that's punny) some of you can really be.

Thank you to all of the new "libtards" that have flooded my inbox with love. You didn't even know my story, you just battled with me against my verbal bludgeoning.

Want to hear the funnier part now? I don't hate men. I'm a sports fanatic. I LOVVVVE college football (Go Vols), I live for Cardinal baseball. MOST of my good friends are MEN. I know there are good men in the world. Men that work hard in the heat, the freezing cold, and their jobs are HARD. Their jobs are labor intensive, but they do them everyday to provide for their families. I will never have the physical stamina to do what a lot of men do, and I don't want to.

Anyone who knows me well, knows I work really hard. I don't have beautiful manicured hands. I want equal pay if I am standing beside you doing the exact same job. Do I believe that I can walk beside you and carry steel beams? Hell NO! and I don't want too! LOL

I will make you a deal, you carry steel and I will make AWESOME SAMMICHES!

I am still a normal chic! I hustle. I do my own thing. That doesn't mean for even a millisecond that I wont take care of a man. If you work your ass off, hell yes I will make you a SAMMICH.

I'm still JEN. I still love (most) people, even if you voted for Trump...

I have my reasons to be me, you have your reasons to be you, but I believe that sometimes there has to be solidarity amongst the bird. There HAS to be something's that Right Wing and Left Wing see as WRONG.

Sexual Assault is WRONG.

One last tiny detail. For those of you who thought we "trashed the city" look closely at some of these photos. That fence was designed for us to leave those signs. There was already volunteers from the walk there to clean them up after the march was over. We didn't just leave it. Grow up! Gripe about something that matters.

Life is Colorful isn't it?

Better to be colorful than boring...

As always...

Lots of Love,

Jen