The Crow and the Butterfly

Hey-

I figured it was about time to crank out another blog because answering tons of emails is getting increasingly difficult. Not that I don't appreciate them all, because I do. I love hearing from you guys, and hearing your suggestions for new projects, feedback on current projects, etc. I love it!  I wish I had a million hours in a day, but I don't.

A BIG, BIG, thank you for all the love you guys have sent me over the last week or two. I can not express in words how much it meant me. The last two weeks have been difficult. Difficult for me to shoot, difficult for me to design, to paint, hell some days I have felt accomplished if I remember to breathe in and out without having to be told.

Things are beginning to ease up though, I am back to being happy, goofy me,  that just has moments out of the day that are difficult, instead of the whole day being difficult.

To jump into the most frequently asked questions...

Am I ok?  Of course I am ok. I've never bled publicly before, I don't think anyone knew how to take it. I've never been very open about my love life. My work life, sure; Its fun!  My love life has always been a non-existent commodity, because it was a non-existent commodity.

Two and a half years ago, I was with the love of my life. We had known each other since high school. He was my world. He actually introduced me to a room full of strangers once, as his world (very embarrassing but sweet at the same time). If there is such a thing as a soul mate, I do believe he is probably mine.

He is still one of the few people I trust completely. Even on the other side of the earth, without speaking a word, or having any inkling of what was happening in my life, called me out of the blue this past week because he had a gut feeling I wasn't ok. How's that for a connection?

He is a gifted artist that creates some really amazing things. He just took over a fairly major publication. He makes me very proud. I will always be his biggest fan, but our jobs come first.

His job took him very far away, and I have roots. I will never be able to leave for any length of time.

It has been two years since we have parted ways and I don't think it has been an easy rode for either of us. We did get the wild hair last time he was in St. Louis, we thought that we could have a causal dinner as old friends, HAHA, NOT!! That did nothing but create two grown adults standing in an airport sobbing like teenagers being torn apart. That was probably something to see.

Needless to say, 7 days later I packed a bag, and ran to the east coast as fast as my legs would carry me. I was praying that thinner air would make it easier to breathe, and it did. Being on the beach wrapped in a blanket all night, with the waves crashing, made everything better. Restorative therapy lol :)

I came back from that trip with A LOT of new material. Material that I have turned into 3 international shows, and countless projects, plus I got to see my girls. That was a win, win, win all the way around.

Then out of nowhere, I met someone new...

There is area of the stadium that over looks the dugout, and out of the clear blue sky, there he was. He is tall, dark hair, dark eyes, very fun to look at.

We talked for a few minutes, I gave him my card, and I assumed that was it. I was wrong :)  A few weeks later, out of the blue, I get an email from my dark handsome stranger. Those emails became pretty constant and before too long, I exhausted every means necessary to meet him everyday for lunch. 

He very quickly became my person, someone I felt safe with. Safe...I hadn't really felt that way in the last two years. All the sudden, I felt these alive feelings that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I felt like a blissful teenager. I actually drove 30 miles to meet him in the middle just to hug him, the day they announced my 3rd international show. I couldn't imagine not telling him face to face. All the sudden this person that I had lived 32 years without, became the person I wanted to share my moment with the most. How does that happen? How can you be going along just fine and then BOOM, here is this new person, who turns your life upside down.

It's a blissful feeling-- a high.

And like anything that makes you feel that euphoric rush, the crash is/was brutal. It leaves you face first, on the concrete, bleeding with no explanation other than you were the idiot who jumped...

I may never understand why that had to happen. Maybe it was to teach me that I was capable of feeling those things? Maybe it was to lead me to something I would have missed otherwise, regardless I hope to find some meaning in it soon. I don't need an explanation of why it ended; that would never be good enough. I want an explanation of why it needed to happen at all.

Seems silly, really. Something so simple, can send so many things spinning in new directions. This, is what's been going on with me. This is why I have cried all over my blog for the last two weeks. I apologize; that is nothing fun to read about. Unfortunately, it is what is happening me. 

I know that since I began this blog, the unanswered questions have ended. No one makes up their own versions of my story, because its right here, in black and white. I love that. I love that the people who actually care about me, have a way to tie my art or my projects to what is actually happening in my life. I think that it makes my artwork more interesting;  when you can understand what I am trying to convey versus having to guess.

I am looking forward to tomorrow! I am finally getting my crow and butterfly tattooed on my foot! With a quote that says "Free To Follow Your Bliss".

And I will! I will follow it, chase it, create it, paint it, take pictures of it, I may even meet it again, you never know.

Life is messy, sometimes you get paint on the floor, sometimes you get paint all over your face, but damn its nice to be colorful.

Shine Bright STL!

Lots of Love,
Jen