And the Truth Shall Set You Free :)
First off, welcome to my blog. Some of you have been with me since the myspace days, and some of you are new. Most of my blogs are to inspire or motivate in some way, but some are just me letting off steam, when humanity in it's disarray, disappoints me.
For today just a little background info. When there are black and white answers people have less questions...so lets do it! :)
I seem to have an unusual outlook on life. Most strangers that you ask about me can give you a small amount of information, but the majority are completely confused. GOD FORBID you ask the wrong one, they make up their own scenario that is not even close. (creative :-) but wayyy off)
In September of 2011, I suffered what I will refer to in many of my blogs as my biggest loss as an adult. It was the first time as an adult I had to really soul search and reset everything I had set in stone as a plan. I had to make decisions with my sister and other members of my inner circle, of what I would do if this didn't improve. Who would make decisions for me when I couldn't? What would I want the end to look like? I can tell you its difficult to wrap your mind around. It is even more difficult when the love of your life looks at you and says "I can't handle this, I'm Sorry"... Everything I knew as stability, as normalcy, was gone. In 48 hours I went from the neuronerd that had just been accepted to Penn State; the blissfully happy, Mommy of 4, who was making plans to marry the love of her life, to a single Mommy of 4, who's doctors had about 30 days to figure out the problem.
I can tell you NOTHING, prepares you for that drive home. Nothing prepares you at 30 to watch your hair fall out by the handfuls. NOTHING, prepares you to make the final walk down the hall at Wash U, with a nothing but a banker box full of what feels like your soul, because its ALL you know. I wasn't kind of in love with neuro, I was head-over-heels. I was doing some form of research in every second of my spare time. So to fully explain,72 hours later I walked into a new apartment full of boxes of my former life.
I was a blank slate.
The only thing that stayed the same, thank GOD, were my babies. From then on we adopted "Win as a Team; Lose as a Team". I have never, from that day forward, hid the truth from my kids. We've built many puzzles at Parkland Hematology/Oncology. They learned about transfusions, infusions, you name it. They got to learn about kidney function, and how to read a CMP. We became a team, and numbers are how we planned our weeks. This went on for two months before we had a good handle on the situation.
By Thanksgiving things we're settling down. We were down to weekly injections, but I didn't trust my body at all. I felt good, but that doubt in the back of your mind never leaves. For those of you who know me well, you know I DO NOT sit still well. In November when things were better and we had developed a system, I did a commercial job and a review for Schlafly Taproom. I had turned my hobby into a new beginning for this blank slate I had. They had mentioned something about the Cardinals looking for someone and I sent over all of my information, and made contact, but it felt more like a one time deal and I began working in insurance.
By January, the team and I decided it would be easier to be closer to family, and we made our way to Park Hills in February. Seven months flew by like a whirl wind, and in June I got the call asking me if I was still interested in the cardinals. :))) Gallery Saint Louis was born!!
Reading that it doesn't really seem that bad, now.
The components that get lost in translations are the nights sick and shaking, the seizures; the times I prayed for God to just take me. The prayers eventually changed from take me, to begging for an answer as to why I had to deal with this. Why? I was a nerd. I had never hurt anyone. I didn't drink or do drugs. I had never even pushed my body to a threshold. Why?
That was the beginning of what I look at as my quest for understanding. Later I was at a business conference and the speaker gets up on this platform and kicks this plant out into the audience and says "I've been known to be a bit unorthodox." He definitely got my attention. He proceeds to ask, "Do you know why you are here? Do you really even want to be here?" We all sat there dumbfounded. When he spoke the words that changed how I look at everything, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
Hmmm, I pondered that for days. That Buddhist Proverb hijacked my head and has never left. I am not a Buddhist, but those words were not religion specific. Buddist have qualities that I do very strongly admire. They strive to be the best person that they can be. That's a beautiful mantra for anyone, regardless of religion.
That's when the fog began to lift. That is when I could see my life as a collection of paths, not just one that had been removed. I didn't have to be a doctor, to be a good version of myself. I didn't have to have anyone but my children, and my little family who had rescued me from the mountain. I could be a very happy version of Jen with exactly what God had given me. My little family in the sticks, my team, and an awesome camera :).
I will eventually finish my degree. My funding was cut for this year and my health had a bit of a hiccup, but when I am ready, it will be too. My undergrad degrees have been an asset to many of the things I have done since leaving school at the end of my 9-11 (yes I find that erie). I am not sure that all of those years of schooling could have ever taught me the humility or compassion that the last year and four months has. I am not sure that I would the full grasp of how short life really is without it.
I may never understand why God chose to teach me about gratitude, longevity, compassion and humility at the ripe age of 30 but here I am, now almost 32, with a vast understanding of these components.
Now to take them and do something great with them. That's where I am now. I have big plans for 2013 God willing :)
Lots of Love
Jen
For today just a little background info. When there are black and white answers people have less questions...so lets do it! :)
I seem to have an unusual outlook on life. Most strangers that you ask about me can give you a small amount of information, but the majority are completely confused. GOD FORBID you ask the wrong one, they make up their own scenario that is not even close. (creative :-) but wayyy off)
In September of 2011, I suffered what I will refer to in many of my blogs as my biggest loss as an adult. It was the first time as an adult I had to really soul search and reset everything I had set in stone as a plan. I had to make decisions with my sister and other members of my inner circle, of what I would do if this didn't improve. Who would make decisions for me when I couldn't? What would I want the end to look like? I can tell you its difficult to wrap your mind around. It is even more difficult when the love of your life looks at you and says "I can't handle this, I'm Sorry"... Everything I knew as stability, as normalcy, was gone. In 48 hours I went from the neuronerd that had just been accepted to Penn State; the blissfully happy, Mommy of 4, who was making plans to marry the love of her life, to a single Mommy of 4, who's doctors had about 30 days to figure out the problem.
I can tell you NOTHING, prepares you for that drive home. Nothing prepares you at 30 to watch your hair fall out by the handfuls. NOTHING, prepares you to make the final walk down the hall at Wash U, with a nothing but a banker box full of what feels like your soul, because its ALL you know. I wasn't kind of in love with neuro, I was head-over-heels. I was doing some form of research in every second of my spare time. So to fully explain,72 hours later I walked into a new apartment full of boxes of my former life.
I was a blank slate.
The only thing that stayed the same, thank GOD, were my babies. From then on we adopted "Win as a Team; Lose as a Team". I have never, from that day forward, hid the truth from my kids. We've built many puzzles at Parkland Hematology/Oncology. They learned about transfusions, infusions, you name it. They got to learn about kidney function, and how to read a CMP. We became a team, and numbers are how we planned our weeks. This went on for two months before we had a good handle on the situation.
By Thanksgiving things we're settling down. We were down to weekly injections, but I didn't trust my body at all. I felt good, but that doubt in the back of your mind never leaves. For those of you who know me well, you know I DO NOT sit still well. In November when things were better and we had developed a system, I did a commercial job and a review for Schlafly Taproom. I had turned my hobby into a new beginning for this blank slate I had. They had mentioned something about the Cardinals looking for someone and I sent over all of my information, and made contact, but it felt more like a one time deal and I began working in insurance.
By January, the team and I decided it would be easier to be closer to family, and we made our way to Park Hills in February. Seven months flew by like a whirl wind, and in June I got the call asking me if I was still interested in the cardinals. :))) Gallery Saint Louis was born!!
Reading that it doesn't really seem that bad, now.
The components that get lost in translations are the nights sick and shaking, the seizures; the times I prayed for God to just take me. The prayers eventually changed from take me, to begging for an answer as to why I had to deal with this. Why? I was a nerd. I had never hurt anyone. I didn't drink or do drugs. I had never even pushed my body to a threshold. Why?
That was the beginning of what I look at as my quest for understanding. Later I was at a business conference and the speaker gets up on this platform and kicks this plant out into the audience and says "I've been known to be a bit unorthodox." He definitely got my attention. He proceeds to ask, "Do you know why you are here? Do you really even want to be here?" We all sat there dumbfounded. When he spoke the words that changed how I look at everything, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
Hmmm, I pondered that for days. That Buddhist Proverb hijacked my head and has never left. I am not a Buddhist, but those words were not religion specific. Buddist have qualities that I do very strongly admire. They strive to be the best person that they can be. That's a beautiful mantra for anyone, regardless of religion.
That's when the fog began to lift. That is when I could see my life as a collection of paths, not just one that had been removed. I didn't have to be a doctor, to be a good version of myself. I didn't have to have anyone but my children, and my little family who had rescued me from the mountain. I could be a very happy version of Jen with exactly what God had given me. My little family in the sticks, my team, and an awesome camera :).
I will eventually finish my degree. My funding was cut for this year and my health had a bit of a hiccup, but when I am ready, it will be too. My undergrad degrees have been an asset to many of the things I have done since leaving school at the end of my 9-11 (yes I find that erie). I am not sure that all of those years of schooling could have ever taught me the humility or compassion that the last year and four months has. I am not sure that I would the full grasp of how short life really is without it.
I may never understand why God chose to teach me about gratitude, longevity, compassion and humility at the ripe age of 30 but here I am, now almost 32, with a vast understanding of these components.
Now to take them and do something great with them. That's where I am now. I have big plans for 2013 God willing :)
Lots of Love
Jen
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